talking · shit · about · a · pretty · sunset

I had a dream last night about economic theory. Like, I was discussing it with people.

I hope this really was a dream and I wasn't talking about economics in the bar while being drunkard.

The sun is shining! The birds are singing! Thanks Buddha!!!

belated new years resolutions:

*watch every Blazer's game
*don't go fake tanning more than 10 times (i didn't go at all the last two years but...i just can't...help..myself....)
*think before writing your lame emo blogs
*save at least $200 a month for this summer (AT LEAST)
*talk to megan/kim/stephanie/your brother more
*keep track of your friends in portland more
*leave the country
*work on vocabulary
*go to the gym at least several times a week
*eat more healthy/eat everyday
*make out with a hot boy
*don't vomit in the bathroom at the tube
*water your plants
*meditate
*pay bills
*smile at least once a day
*finish reading renaissance books
*make jello shots
*stop buying as much new clothes
*decide what to do with your life by birthday

well i could do other better things, but, i'm just trying to get in, i'm not running for Jesus

BAAHHAHHHHH

ARRGHHHH

i am SOOOOO FUCKING SICK of everything in my life and everything my life represents.

am seriously considering which bridge to jump from! BAH

Man I have been spending so much money lately I haven't even been keeping track. I had to buy a new power adapter for my computer, which was $80, but I had a $20 gift card to Best Buy so it was $60. Plus my dad said he might help me out with paying for some of it, since it was his power cord, but we'll see. I also bought a movie, but it is a DOUBLEFEATUREOMG of Grosse Pointe Blank AND High Fidelity, for $10. COME ON!

So yeah that was a lot of money. I also bought a pumpkin spice latte, $3, spend $20 on household items and bday cards for people at Target, then $11 on a six pack of beer and cigarettes. And a pack of stamps however much that costs.

Boo-urns. BUT I got food stamps so I have bought a bunch of groceries for no money. And last night I made a delicious stir-fry with curry sauce and cummin powder, with fake chicken and vegetables. It was good, and probably very healthy except most of the calories came from the sauce which isn't good. I have generally been eating breakfast and then dinner or sometimes a power bar, but its because I haven't been doing much during the days. Once I start working I will need to get into a routine. Also going to the gym again. But I haven't been able to pay my bill and have been walking a lot so I haven't gone in almost a month. I am still fretting about how I think I am looking flabby but I think it is mostly because I haven't been working out or even doing sit-ups or yoga at home so I am not toned at all. Not that I ever am, but ya know. I have still lost a lot of weight in the past 2 months and I gained a couple pounds back but not very many. And I have to go to the doctor sometime in the next month or two. I also haven't been taking vitamins since I am lazy, but I've been taking St. John's Wart everyday to calm my anxiety levels. I don't remember if I said this to anyone or not but my mom suggested to me awhile ago that I go on Zoloft since I seem depressed all of the time, and Vicki even concurred but I don't think I can. For the non-medical insurance reasons and for the reasons that I know I won't fix anything in my life that needs fixing. Zoloft is the worst. And Prozac and Celexa and all of them are the worst. Xanax and Ativan FTW. Anyway I'm sure if my mom knew all of the bullshit going on my my life she would be more understanding, but I can't really even talk about it. I don't even want to tell her about the problems I am having with Ben because I don't even want to talk about it right now. I just want to be happy.

So anyway today I got a free breakfast at IKEA. Vicki and Carol and Sam and I went, they were having Free Breakfast Day plus a bunch of sale items. We just wanted the food. It was gross, eggs and bacon and potatoes. I bought some fruit so I wouldn't end up eating a giant cinnamon roll, but the fruit was like $2.29. Damn. I had bacon for the first time since I can remember. And it was gross. Why do people love bacon so much. Its so gross, it takes like I imagine dog food to taste. So after volunteering I am going to run straight home and not go out so I don't spend anymore money. And I think I will eat a frozen "lean Cuisine" for dinner since I am uber lazy. I have to pay a $80 Comcast bill and a $75 utility bill. BAH. I HATE MONEY.

oh yeah cuz i'm bored
( boring survey )

WOW guatemala thanks for losing my luggage! good thing i wear 5 shirts at once. but no medicine, tampons, birth control, showering things...etc. so lame. now i am in hostel and i walked around outside but it is soooo sketchy here. i sound like a whiner but this hot bulgarian guy i sat next to on the plane said i should never go around guatemala city alone! i am usually better in big cities! honestly this is one of the scariest places i have been, ven though i havent done anything. wish i had amigos with me! i went out in search of hamburguesas and cigarettes but now i am staying in my hostel. now going to watch ´the girls next door, which spanish tv insists on calling girls of the playboy mansion and making me look like a huge pervert.

bye!!!

p.s..not drunk, the keyboard is just wack

i overdosed on food and sports this thanksgiving. especially sports. i cant get enough. my brother and i watched this show called "THE HOT SEAT" on one of my parents ESPN channels. it was so hilarious. i wish i had that channel now, it was that amazing.

i am watching oregon right now and i hope they win but i'm not expecting much.

oh my god work is the last place i want to be right now. my head is pounding so badly. my entire mouth hurts. i cant even explain how much it hurts. i can barely keep my eyes open. my wristband is way too tight and has been cutting into my...wrist. i have lipstick stains all over my purse and random pieces of paper. all of my sweet Claire's earrings are broken. i have this really bad feeling i said something to offend my taxi driver last night but i dont know what. all i want to do is sleep. i am literally counting down the MINUTES until i can crawl back into bed.

yesterday it was about 100 degrees and it is today too. it was insufferable heat, and to add annoyance my paycheck BOUNCED because i am employed by a bunch of deadbeats. not really, bit it was a big mix up after john died with our AR and accounts and whatnot. So my boss wrote me a check to recash plus to cover the overdrafts. But I was continuously SO pissed off my US Bank during the whole deal. They were rude to me, and very unhelpful, and basically kept acting like it was my fault. As if IIII somehow bounced a check written to myself!! So today I was reading complaints about them online, and there are many. A lot regarding their "available balance" routine which generally makes funds not available for some indiscernible amount of time, often leading to overdraft fees. So many other people were complaining about this, I thought i just poorly managed my accounts (which IS mostly true), but still rather dodgy. So I think it is almost the last straw with old US Bank. I am signing up with OnPoint credit union, since they have Visa checking, and after my first direct deposit paycheck goes through I shall clear out that account! hah! OnPoint has a savings plan too, which has .25% interest, compared to banks, which is like .10%!! what a joke! Unfortunately to open a CD there takes $1000. who the fuck has an extra $1000!!! So lame! Anyway i am looking forward to gaining control of my finances! I never thought I would say it, but I am quite happy with having a credit card! It has saved me more than once.

So to escape the scary heat and scary bank problems I got to leave work at 2:30, and Ben and I ran away to Seaside. I have never been there before! I was slightly disappointed. So many kids! And they had arcades, but ben wouldn't go in them. But we walked on the beach and I ran in the water and we ate sandwiches and shrimp salad at a goofy restaurant and got drunk and spoke in British slang and ran along the boardwalk and drove around blasting slayer and ate shave ice. The sun is so pretty out there, and there were a lot of tourists for some reason.

I have not been to the beach in a year! I cant believe it. I really need to take advantage of the wonders of living in Oregon, especially if I plan on moving someday. I know I will miss it! Oregon I think is the most beautiful place I have been to. I forget how being on the sand makes me want to run around and chase seagulls like I did when I was 4 and then eat a picnic and write my name in the sand with driftwood and how I could watch the sunset over the pacific every night and never get tired of it, and how I can equate the first time I stood on a surfboard to falling in love.

Yes I love the ocean. But now I am stuck faxing and filing and being bored and unfulfilled. I have nothing to do! And no one is being very helpful. Its getting irritating. But Kim is coming tomorrow and I am so excited!

:/

what a weird day. i came into work this morning, late, since i had overslept my alarm after last night's goodbye lily party (goodbye lily!), anyway, i come in to find out JOHN died. died! i couldnt believe it. i'm still really shocked. he was only 47, and had a heart attack. he did smoke A LOT, and ate hot pockets everyday for lunch, but you would think we get some allowance for youth. especially since he was sooo skinny.

i came into work and everyone just looked really down, and kim's door was shut and jamie told me i should go talk to him when i had a chance. so i went into his office and shut the door and he told me to have a seat and i got soo scared, since family experiences tell me the have a seat talk is reserved for deaths and divorce. and since i saw joan in the office she was obviously ok, and i figured if glen had passed on she would be a lot more upset, so i figured it had to be jerry, since he's old and motorcycles, or carol, since she has the breast cancer. but having john just suddenly drop dead, in the middle of the week, is just a shock i cant explain. he's been working for my boss for over 20 years, and he was just as good as family to them. sudden death is what scares me the most. like when my mom's best friend of like 40 years suddenly died in a car accident. it doesnt seem fair. people need preperation.

what makes it even worse is our office is going to be in complete dissaray. we dont have any of the passwords or codes for the computer things, he knows how to fix all of our weird Lacerte computer problems, he's the computer guy! I guess at 6 this morning my boss came in with his son to back everthing up..or some tech speak like that. And now Jamie i guess is going to start being the payroll person, and i'm going to be more of an...administrative assistant? i dont know, but i'm going to be paid more i guess, but its kind of hard to even think about being happy about it.

there were only 10 people who worked here, and when samantha quit it shook everything up, but mostly people were just mad. this is almost the closest work enviornment that i've had, where you really do feel like a "family" or team i guess rather than numbers on the punch card or whatnot. i guess sort of like the EMU felt, except there were so many more people there. It was a weird feeling of like when a member of the family dies. Joan went and got everyone lunch from the Tereyki place and we all ate in one of the empty offices together kind of glum, which we have not done since vince and i started working here or the time mari jo brought us all resser's food.

anyway it is going to be a very weird next few months. while i know its not good to get too frightened of the unknown, and live your life in fear of suddenly getting hit by a bus or something, this really forces me to want to live my life in a better way. since i do know i AM going to die one day, and its only the luck of the roulette wheel i will do it happily in a cottage in france at the age of 115 or something, it could easily happen before i reach 50. and i really really, really want to be happy with my life. to know that at lived it the best i could and saw all i could see and did everything in a way that got the most out of what i have. i know always living in the moment is inpractical, but i dont want to spend so much time waiting for the future to truly live my life that if i never get there, i'm not as happy as i could have been. i suppose it is important to make each moment count, and to love the people and things that matter to you, along with planning for the future with an optimistic spirit.

***
Once we were children
We saw butterflies
We stood under the silver waterfall
We saw everything
We held shells to our ears
We heard the ocean
We had time
***

So most of today at work i've played with a baby. jessica brought in riley THE MOST adorable baby in the history of babies. i feel bad, because jodi also has twins, who she brings in, and of course they are cute, but just not AS cute. seriously! and yesterday they were here and i was like "soooo which one's your favorite?" and it was an awkward laugh. its funny when i find people who totally do not have my sense of humor.

otherwise jamie jodi and i sat down all morning and figured out a new filing system, thereby deciding to purge all of the OLD client files (its required by IRS to keep files up to 7 years, but we have some from back when vanilla ice was cool). so we're going to scan all of those, shred the real copies, organize the ones we have to keep, and try to get everything down to one maybe two storage areas in the basement instead of three. THEREBY saving money! hurrah! or more hurrah if we get raises out of it. plus it will be boring and awful, but it will give me something to do so i dont cry of boredom everday, and will actually be making money. YES.

but its still pretty chill this summer, which is good since i really am getting the itch for a road trip. not super long. and i know i need to be saving money..but i want to get away for like 4 days, to somewhere not fun or exotic or exciting, but just different. i really want to go to the southwest. to arizona or new mexico. mostly becuase i've heard its great and it will be nice and hot, but also its pretty much the only part of the country i haven't been to or spent a lot of time in, besides texas of course. too bad everyone else is being responsible working grown ups. i'm going to see if i can convince my sister to run away with me for a few days. if she can continue being Ashley the 21 year old enough for us to go a drinkin'.

but otherwise i'm going to keep saving money. vince and i decided today to make flashcards to remind us to buy cheap beer when going out..to save money. since we are alcoholics and the idea of NOT buying any beer is simply ridiculous!

otherwise...i'm okay. cinco de mayo was ridiculous. i wasnt too 'wasted.' we drank a lot at our house, went to la cosita, and then to sleep. i won like $20 bucks on the fight though. megan and i had roomate night on monday. declared our love for one another and will band together to destory all of the bastardly men in our lives. past and present. last night i forgoed (?) sleep and sanity to drive noah to muchas gracias so he could be there at midnight when he turned 22. was worth it because i got a giant burrito plus sang happy birthday to him in a muchas gracias at midnight. wonderful! at midnight on my birthday i was throwing up in the bathroom at berbati's pan. true story!

now i have some nice beer, a bunch of netflixs, and a bunch of vegetables at home, the sun is shining, i threw away the flowers that make my allergies cry,  life is good.